Tuesday, February 14, 2017

He's got my back

Blogging post-break up is hard. Especially because I am always scared to really blog about my relationships. The downside of not sharing the happy relationship times on the blog is that it is really hard to blog about the ending of a relationship that you, dear reader, know nothing about. Let's just say this one was (is) a doozy.

If there is one thing I have learned (or re-learned) this past week and a half it is that God knows me. He is aware of me, and He has my back.

I was walking to school today fighting back the urge to cry. I had to teach a class this morning on COMMITMENT. On Valentine's day. 11 days after my heart was shattered. I didn't think I could do it. All I wanted was to go home and crawl back into bed and never get out. I started making deals with myself. Get through this lesson and you can go home. You can call in sick to work. You can skip your afternoon class. But you have to teach this class, and you are not allowed to cry until after 10:45. I was barely holding it together. And then my angel came. She had just passed me on the path to school when she turned around and complimented my coat. Then she asked my name. She asked how I was doing. I lied. She walked me the rest of the way to school, gave me a Valentine, and disappeared. I made it through that class. And armed with the reminder that God will get me through the day, I'm still on campus.

God has not left me alone for one second these past 11 days. The list of miracles that have occurred in my life are unbelievable. But they are real. 

Greta was home when it happened. Kyle had snapped saying his plans for the night got cancelled, and she went to respond to him several times saying they should watch a movie or something. But each time she opened the message to respond, she changed her mind. She stayed home without plans on a Friday night. God knew I would need her.

My home teacher was at my house one hour post-break up to give me a blessing. I never have good relationships with home teachers, except right now. I always thought home teaching was just for the rare occasion when someone with no friends needed something. Not me. But all my friends were his friends. I would have had no one to call. On Sunday, the EQ President and a member of the Stake Presidency came to visit. I told the EQ President how grateful I am that with all the changes in home teaching this semester I got to keep my home teachers. If they had been changed I would have had home teachers that would have maybe  home taught me once before the break up. And I wouldn't have called them. The EQ President looked me square in the eyes and said "Lisa, we did change your home teachers. But then we changed them back." God knew I would need them.

My "Love You" balloon from Carine is the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see every night. Mornings and bedtime are the hardest. No one has informed my subconscious dream-making brain that it's over. But every morning the first thing I see when I open my eyes is a reminder that I am loved. I take a deep breath, and I get out of bed. God knew I would need reminded, often.

There are a million other miracles. Tabatha texted me out of the blue the day after the break up just to tell me she loves me. The weather has been beautiful. Greta and Carine have taken the best care of me. Friends I haven't talked to in months have taken me back in immediately and made me feel so loved. Mom has answered all of my middle of the night phone calls. I have been blessed with an abundance of dark chocolate. Anytime I am about to break, a friend shows up. I have a running list of the miracles that have occurred on my computer, and just looking at the list brings tears to my eyes. God is so good. He loves me. He loves you.  He is paying attention. You and I are never alone.